


Even Though The Odds Are Stacked Against Us, I'd Still Choose You Every Time

by Nikka001



Series: Star-Crossed Romance [2]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Feels, Fight Aftermath, First Time, Forbidden Love, Gen, Heartbreak, Hurt Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, Mutual Break Up, No Smut, Prom Night, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28006518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/pseuds/Nikka001
Summary: They say if you love something, let it go. Easier said than done.Mob Family Member Sonny and Upper-Class Heiress AmandaA pair of star-crossed lovers
Relationships: Amanda Rollins & Nick Amaro, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins & Nick Amaro, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins, Nick Amaro/Original Male Character(s) (Mentioned)
Series: Star-Crossed Romance [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998778
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	1. The Warmth of Your Arms Around Me

**Author's Note:**

> As you will notice when reading, this story takes place roughly 4 years before 'Love Without Restrictions'. I didn't really know for sure how this story would turn out but I'm actually really pleased with it. There will be a second 'chapter' of sorts coming soon. Once I write it. 
> 
> That being said...enjoy!
> 
> -Annika

* * *

_9:45 pm_

_Sonny, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said earlier. I was just frustrated. You know how I get in situations like that. I’m sorry. Sonny please, answer me. I just want to talk._

_10:30 pm_

_Okay. So, you’re probably still mad at me. I get that. I would be too. But I really think we should talk about this. Please just talk to me. I miss you and I’m sorry._

_11:04 pm_

_Are you okay? Please, I just want to know that you’re okay._

_11:22 pm_

_Dominick. This isn’t funny. I know that you’re mad at me. I understand that. But I need to know that you’re okay. I need you to respond. Please._

Amanda scrolls through her messages once again, her nerves and anxiety getting the better of her when she realizes how long it’s really been since they’ve talked. His last text was yesterday morning and since their fight at lunch...radio silent. Nothing. It’s not like it hasn’t happened before of course, because it has, but not like this. Not after such a mega blow-up. 

She clicks her phone off and tosses it to the foot of her bed where it disappears into the covers. Rolling over onto her stomach, Amanda folds her arms on her pillow and rests her head on top. This isn’t like him. He knows she worries about him and she knows how much trouble he can get himself into if he doesn’t have her by his side. It’s strange really, for two people who are technically forbidden from speaking to each other - let alone be best friends - they tend to stick by each other no matter what. It’s always been like that. The two of them, by each other's side no matter what anyone else says. That’s not to say nobody knows about their friendship because well, everyone does. It’s just not something that either of their families will publicly acknowledge. 

Her eyes drift to the photo she has taped on the wall behind her bed, tucked away safely in case her parents were to ever wander in unannounced, and it helps remind her of simpler times. Back when they were just two eight-year-olds who wanted nothing more than each other's friendship. And now here they are, seventeen-years-old and forbidden from even walking down the same street as each other. It’s odd how rapidly the times have changed for them. For their families really. 

Sighing, Amanda reaches one hand out and smooths down one of the curled up corners of the photograph, the pieces of tape starting to lose their stickiness after so many years clinging to the wall. She smiles at the two of their smiling faces, arms wrapped around each other and both of them sopping wet from the pool party they’d gone to that day. She tries to think back to that day, to that summer, when the sudden sound of pebbles hitting glass startles her from her memories. It’s a sound all too familiar to her and it has her up off the bed so fast she stumbles over her feet as she hurries to the window on the other side of the room. She shoves aside the curtains, tucking them behind the mirror on the wall, and pushes the window up enough for her to stick her head through. 

“Sonny,” she calls out, keeping her voice low so she doesn’t wake her parents, “is that you? Where are you?”

The only response she gets is from the wildlife occupying the trees behind the house and the sound of the rain starting to patter down onto the ground below. She ducks her head back inside when she feels droplets hitting her face but still keeps an eye out just in case. 

A rustling noise catches her attention, the sound coming from the bushes by the back porch, and has her sticking her head back out regardless of the cold rain dripping onto her from the roof above.

“Sonny? Is that you?” Amanda hears the moan before she sees the movement coming from beneath the bushes. Her heart beats faster and she whispers to herself, “Sonny.”

She runs back into her room and grabs the pair of red rain boots she keeps tucked away safely by her closet door, slipping them onto her feet and tucking the bottoms of her pajama pants inside. It takes her a minute to retrieve her phone from where it had fallen between her mattress and bed frame and then she is rushing out of her room and down the stairs leading into the front hall. As quietly as she is able to, Amanda pulls open the front door and draws it closed behind her as she hurries down the front porch steps and onto the lawn. 

With the rain pelting down, she ducks her head and draws her arms around her body, her shirt quickly soaking through, and trudges around to the side of the house. She squints to see through the rain, her eyes scanning the yard and the muddy grass squelching beneath her boots when she finally is able to make out Sonny’s figure lying on the ground a few feet in front of her. 

She reaches him as quickly as she is able with the grass being as mushy as it is, making it harder for her to run, and drops to her knees beside his body.

“Oh my...Sonny. What happened to you?”

If she hadn’t known him her whole life, she’d probably never be able to figure out who it was beneath all of the blood. His breathing is shallow, chest rising and falling just enough to confirm that he is, in fact, still alive. She reaches for his hand that’s resting on top of his chest, squeezing it gently to let him know she's there but is startled when he lets out a strangled yelp of pain and pulls his trembling hand from her grasp.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s okay. Sonny, please, what happened? Who did this to you?” she cries out, leaning over him and gently holding his face in her hands. She can feel the tears coming on even stronger as she takes in the way his face is bloodied; the small cuts littered across his usually flawless skin, the deep cut on his lip, and the start of what she knows is going to be a serious black and swollen eye. 

Sonny groans and tries to shake his head ‘no’ but the movement alone causes enough pain for a broken sob to escape his bloodied lips. His body appears to be shaking now, the pain caused by his injuries finally seeming to take its toll. 

Amanda sits down onto her heels, certain they won’t be moving for at least a little while and digs her phone out of her pocket. She hesitates after unlocking it, debating on who to call to help her with her current situation. Her dad will most likely try to have Sonny shot just for being on his property, and none of her other ‘friends’ will want to get anywhere near him simply because of who his family is. Which leaves only one person she can think of who might actually help her without questioning everything.

Going into the contacts section of her phone, she scrolls until she finds the number she wants, tapping on it and then holding the device up to her ear, keeping it there with her shoulder. She focuses her attention on Sonny as she waits for the person on the other end to answer.

“Amanda,” the voice on the other end of the line answers after only two rings, and Amanda thanks whoever’s listening that Nick is such a night owl. “It’s after midnight. What are you still doing up? Is everything okay?”

When she opens her mouth to speak, the only thing that comes out is a scared shaky sob and she covers her mouth immediately with one of her hands, the other one holding the phone to her ear. She hears shuffling and muffled voices on the other end of the line and then he’s back.

“Hey, Amanda, what is it? What’s going on? Talk to me.” 

Amanda draws in a trembling breath before she finally is able to speak, “I don’t know what happened. I don’t...Nick. Please. Please come. I need to get him inside but..but I can’t lift him by myself. He’s hurt. Nick...I think he’s dying.” 

Nick gets to Amanda’s place in record time, the tires of his old Subaru Outback splashing through puddles and running up onto the curb as he pulls up outside the large estate. He turns off the ignition and grabs his phone from the passenger seat, shoving it deep into his jeans pocket as he steps out of the car. The rain is freezing as it pelts his exposed head and neck but he can’t find it in him to care much about it right now. 

All he can think of is how small and terrified Amanda sounded over the phone and how she managed to find herself in this position in the first place. Then again, with the friends she keeps, he’s really not that surprised. She’s always been one to stray a bit further from the path than most of the other kids in their positions. He tries to help her when he can, he really does, but the older they get the harder it is to keep up this facade. Soon, they won’t be able to keep it up much longer. 

He spots Amanda, the blonde of her hair wet and shining from the lampposts in the street, and hurries over to her. She’s kneeling on the ground, her back to him, but once he’s close enough to her, she turns to face him. 

“Nick,” she breathes out and he can practically see the tension leave her body as she stands and runs to meet him. He wraps his arms around her in an instant, holding onto her tightly and resting his chin on top of her head as she buries her face into his chest. He can feel her body tremble as she cries and squeezes even tighter. 

“Amanda” -- Nick pulls back after a minute and uses his hand to lift her chin up so he can look her in the eyes -- “we’ve gotta get him inside. Those injuries will be the least of his problems if we stay out here any longer.”

She blinks up at him through her sobs and sniffles but nods all the same. He knows she’s aware of how serious this whole situation is and that if they don’t act now, it could definitely get a lot worse. He takes a step away, giving her some space to pull herself together while he approaches Sonny and tries to figure out the best way to go about getting him inside. It won’t be easy, that much is obvious, but he’s at least gotta try.

“So,” Nick groans out as he takes a seat on the floor next to Amanda, their backs resting up against her dresser, “Any chance you’ll want to tell me what’s going?”

Amanda glances over at him and smirks sleepily when he bumps her shoulder with his. “Honestly, I don’t know. He doesn’t say anything all day and then he shows up out of nowhere looking...I just, I have no idea what’s going on.”

“Yeah well, usually when the Carisi’s are involved, it’s nothing good. And I know you know that, Amanda.”

She stays silent, not wanting to give his prejudicial remarks about Sonny and his family any ammunition. She knows who they are, what they do, but that doesn’t change her mind about them. About him. She glances up at where Sonny lays on her bed, his head resting comfortably on the pillows and his arms bandaged and resting at his sides. His chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm and it calms her nerves just enough. Seeing him like that, broken and bruised and just about ready to fall apart, it made her want to scream. 

Nick nudges her shoulder again, drawing her attention back to him and the concerned look in his eyes.

“Hey, what’s going on inside that head of yours, huh?”

Amanda sniffles and wipes at her eyes with the sleeves of the sweater she’d put on when they’d gotten back inside. “It’s nothing. I just…” she trails off, her gaze finding Sonny's sleeping figure again.

Nick sighs and reaches out to take her hand in his, linking their fingers together. “‘Manda, you know I love you right?”

She looks over at him, her brows furrowing slightly. “Of course I do. I love you too.”

“Good. Good. So then, it won’t come as a shock for me to tell you that I cannot, in good conscience, stand by and watch you do this to yourself. I care about you too much.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.” She lets her gaze drop down to a spot on the carpet at her feet.

“Amanda,” he says, pulling on her hand to urge her to look at him and only continuing when she relents, “I know you care about him, okay? I understand that. But you need to stop. You need to stop encouraging him. We both know there’s only one way for this whole thing to end and it isn’t with the two of you getting this happy ending you always talk about.”  
She squeezes his hand and draws in a sharp breath. “I love him, Nick. And he loves me. We can’t just--”

“You have to.”

“What if it was Jackson?” she questions suddenly, really gaining his attention. “What if it was you and Jackson, and your family told you that you weren't allowed to see him anymore? Wouldn’t you do everything humanly possible to be around the person you love?”

Nick shakes his head, shifting and pointing a finger at her. “Don’t, Amanda. Don’t turn this around on me. This is about you and your life, and the fact that being with him” -- he gestures at Sonny -- “is basically social suicide in your family’s eyes.”

“I don’t care, Nick.”

“Of course you don’t. You don’t care what happens to you, Amanda, but have you ever for once stopped to think what might happen to him? You know who his family is. You know who _your_ family is. If this thing between you two goes too far, we both know it’s possible he won’t be making it away alive.”

Amanda’s resolve weakens, her eyes jumping to where Sonny lays and then back to Nick, her eyes glistening with tears.

“They wouldn’t...he’s their son...he’s just...just--”

“Defying direct orders.”

Sonny’s raspy, broken voice cuts her off and has both Nick and Amanda on their feet and rushing to his side. Amanda drops to her knees when she reaches the side of the bed and takes one of his bandaged hands in hers, kissing him lightly on the knuckles, her tears dripping onto the cloth wrapped around his fingers.

“Hey.” She smiles up at him while bringing her other arm up to run her fingers through his damp hair. “You’re awake.”

He returns her smile with a grimace, the pain from his facial injuries probably now settling in, and gives her fingers a light squeeze in thanks.

Nick stands at the foot of the bed with his arms folded across his chest and a sympathetic look on his face. “You gave us a real scare there, buddy. Wanna tell us what happened?”

Groaning and shaking his head, Sonny closes his eyes and tries to take a deep breath. Pain blooms in his chest when his lungs struggle to fill with air and has him coughing, his face contorting in pain and discomfort. Amanda turns to Nick and gestures for him to grab the water bottle she keeps on her desk. He hands the metal container to her and she in turn unscrews the cap and holds it up to Sonny’s lips. He lets her tilt the bottle, the cool water running down his throat and alleviating just a little bit of the discomfort. 

“Sonny, I know it might be hard, but we really need you to tell us what happened,” Amanda tries again, taking the bottle from him, and setting it down on top of her nightstand well within his reach should he need it again. 

“I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?” Nick challenges.

Sonny looks at Nick with fire in his eyes. “No, I can’t. What happened...it was just a job gone wrong, okay? And if I tell you two what happened, about the job and everything after, and my dad finds out...I’m as good as dead. So please, just let it go.”

“But Sonny--” Amanda starts to protest, only stopping when Sonny squeezes her hand tightly.

“‘Manda, please. Drop it.”

There’s a desperate look in his eyes, one that she doesn’t see often, and it has her wanting to make everything okay. If she can make everything okay, to help him feel not so afraid, then she’ll do it. Whatever it takes. 

He stays there, through the next day and then the next. She’s probably lucky, she thinks, that her parents are hardly ever home, and when they are they don’t really bother interacting with either of their daughters. It made it easier in a way for her to keep Sonny hidden away up in her room. They made up a bed for him on the floor next to hers where he would start out the night sleeping but by the end of the night, he almost always moved to sleep on the bed next to her. He’d climb up onto the bed, him on top of the covers and her underneath, and curl up behind her with one arm thrown over her waist to pull her closer to him. While neither ever spoke a word during these moments, every single time she felt his arm drape over her body, she’d slide her arm down until she could lace her fingers with his. 

She cherished those moments; silent, free, and most of all, warm. A warmth that bubbled up inside of her chest every time she felt the bed dip under his weight. The warmth that blossomed from her chest and all down through her body when his arm held her close. She’d snuggled in close and let his warmth consume every inch of her body from her head down to her toes. It made her feel safe. He made her feel safe. Being with him, being held in his arms, is the only place she ever wants to be. 

Which is why what she has to do next, is going to be so hard.


	2. It Hurts To Know You Are Already Gone

When he was a kid, before he really understood the kind of world he lived in, Dominick Carisi thought that his life was normal. It was the only life he knew so of course, it was the right one, right? That made sense. Well, at least it made sense to a nine-year-old. He had a family who he loved, a best friend who he adored beyond all reason, and dreams of being the best damn lawyer the world had ever seen. It was like that for a while. It was a happy, healthy, and wonderful life until one day it wasn’t. He thought about those days a lot, when he couldn’t sleep or when he was having his ribs kicked in and he needed something to take his mind off the pain. The memories of summers past when they could laugh and play without a care in the world. It was those memories that made moments like this so hard to swallow. Those secret moments of theirs where they were hidden away from the world; like an abomination that needed to be contained. It made him feel sick. 

And then he felt the tickle of her steady breath on the skin of his chest; her head laying on his shoulder while she slept peacefully at his side, and it made everything worth it. He would use his arm wrapped around her shoulders to draw her in closer, their bodies flush against one another, and kiss her softly on the forehead. She stirred, head tilting back, nose scrunching up, and bare legs stretching out to tangle with his. The midnight moon cast a silvery glow in from the window and illuminated the hints of body glitter still pasted onto her arms and legs from the nights’ previous activities.

It had him thinking, the gears in his mind turning as he thought back on the moment she showed up outside his window. 

~~~

_Quiet knocking against the glass pane of his window interrupts the tale of Shakespeare’s King Lear, drawing Sonny’s attention. It’s not often that someone comes to his window in the middle of the night. And when it does happen, it’s only ever one person that shows up. He smiles to himself and sets the book on his nightstand so he can climb out of bed and limp over to the window on the other side of the room, the bruising on his ankles and hips still causing him pain when he walks. Flipping the latch over, Sonny pushes the window open and takes a step to the side as Amanda climbs through and lands on her knees on the floor._

_“Yeah. That’s definitely getting a lot harder.”_

_Sonny snickers but moves forward to offer her a hand getting up from the floor. She takes his offered hand with a smile and lets him help her to stand upright._

_“Wow.” Sonny breathes out now that he finally has a full view of how she looks tonight. “You uh...you look amazing.”_

_“Thank you.” Amanda smiles, grabs the bottom of her dress, and holds it out as she twirls in a circle. The shimmering fabric shines from the light of the lamp in the corner; the light also doing well to illuminate the body glitter on, well...every bit of skin exposed to the light. The metallic purple satin hugs her figure just right and when it reaches her waist it spills into a long skirt that just barely grazes the floor. The silver strappy heels add at least another three or four inches, putting her right at Sonny’s eye level and match the sparkly of her silver rings and necklace. She looks like he imagined she would, on such a special night, and it saddens him that he couldn’t share it with her like they’d both wanted._

_“Sonny?”_

_Her voice draws him back in and has him focusing on her face for the first time that night. Her eyes are bright, sparkling with the crazy youthful energy she’s had since they were children. Except for this time, there’s something else there. Nothing he can recognize, not right off the bat, but he knows there’s something else. He knows her eyes - knows her face - like he knows his own mind and he can always tell when something is off. Despite the hidden look in her eyes though, her smile still shines as bright as ever. She’s smiling up at him now, having moved to stand in front of him, and holding his hands in hers while her thumbs brush tiny calming circles against the backs of his hands._

_“I love you, Amanda.”_

_If her smile could get any brighter, there’s no doubt in his mind that it would from hearing him say those words. “I love you too, Dominick.”_

_He swallows past the lump in his throat and tightens his fingers around hers, causing her to glance down at their joined hands before she looks back up at him and her smile falls. He knows his eyes are wet, he can feel the tightness in his chest and nausea starting to set in as he prepares himself for what he’s about to do._

_Looking into her eyes though, watching the light slowly flicker out, throws everything out the window. He draws in a shaky breath and can feel the tears as they finally start to fall. Closing his eyes, he drops his head and brings their joined hands up to his lips to place a kiss on her knuckles._

_“Dominick,” she says his name so softly, her voice thickened by the tears he knows she’s shedding too, and it has him crying harder._

_She steps closer and lifts his chin with one hand while still holding tight to both of his with the other._

_“Dominick, look at me please.”_

_When he opens his eyes, trimmed red and filled with tears, she staring up at him with tears of her own and a trembling smile._

_“It’s okay, Sonny. It’s okay.”_

_He shakes his head, dropping it and squeezing his eyes shut tight. “Amanda, I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be, okay?” she uses both her hands to cup his face and raise his head, getting him to open his eyes. “I understand. I get it.”_

_“I love you,” he whispers. “I-I love you so much but..we can’t…”_

_She places a hand over his mouth to keep him from finishing his sentence, her hand trembling and he can see that she’s trying to keep the smile on her face even though he knows that she’s falling apart inside. Just like he is. They’ve kept each other whole and sane for so long that just knowing what has to come next, is enough to break both of them._

_Letting her hand slowly drop down from his mouth, Amanda steps forward, leans in, and presses her lips to his in a gentle kiss. They’ve kissed before, of course, but this time is different. This time...it means goodbye._

_“I know,” she says softly when she pulls back, “I love you too and I always will, okay? I need you to remember that and hold onto it. No matter what happens, no matter where either of us ends up, I will always, always, love you, Dominick Carisi.”_

_Letting their emotions take over, both of them surge forward at the same time and hold on tight as they crash their lips together. He holds onto her waist, trying desperately to keep her close to him, and she keeps her hands cupping his face. They step together, Amanda going forward and Sonny going back until his legs hit his bed and they both fall back onto the mattress._

_“Sonny, I want this. I want you. Please?” Amanda whispers into his ear when she breaks the kiss, her hands now on his chest to hold up her weight while his hands rest comfortably on her hips._

_“I’ve never…” He flushes and drops his hands from her hips._

_“I know,” she says while looking him in the eyes and grabbing his hands to put them back on her body. “Me neither.”_

_He hesitates to touch her again, afraid of what might happen if they do something that they can’t take back. All of this, everything that’s happening between the two of them in this very moment, is new to them. They’d both been so consumed in each other's lives that they never even considered being with anyone else. They only ever had eyes for each other._

_And now, here they were. Staring into each other's eyes knowing that this is it. This is the last moment they can spend with each other for a very long time. They want to remember this moment for the rest of their lives._

_They let their hands explore each other, burning into their memory the exact way the other one feels. Every inch of her skin he will know by heart, never willing to forget what she feels like in his hands. Every breath that he takes she will hear in her mind for years and years to come, the rise and fall of his chest the only thing she will know for the rest of her life._

_~~~_

She was gone only a few short hours later, knowing she needed to get home before anyone noticed she’d never made it back the night before. It wasn’t a long goodbye, neither of them wanting to drag out the pain any longer than they had to. She redressed in her dress from the night before, tying her hair back with an elastic that he keeps handy in his room and forgoing her heels for an old pair of boots he had lying around. He could do nothing but watch her as she cleaned her face, wiping away the old makeup, and prepared herself for leaving his side to return home. With her phone tucked away in the hidden pocket of her dress and a solemn wave goodbye, Amanda approached the window, pushing it open and climbing out onto the roof. She stops for just a moment and turns back, taking one last look at the room she’d become so familiar with and the boy that had become her other half. It crushed her to have to leave like this, no words spoken between them and Sonny not even able to look her in the eye, but she knew it had to be done. If not for her sake, then for his. 

What she did not know, however, is what transpired in the mere minutes after she climbed out of the window and jumped down to the yard below. She wasn’t aware of the broken sobs that racked Sonny’s body as he crumbled to the ground, the only happiness he’d ever had finally being stolen from him by forces outside his control.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you thought in the comments below! I love to hear from every single one of you!
> 
> \- Annika


End file.
